This time last year we lost a 6 week battle and gained our second angel baby.

I'm usually at peace with it, accepting that everything always happens for a reason- even if we don't always know what that reason is. Knowing my angels are together waiting for me someplace lovely helps my heart too.

But right now as I relive the memory and think obsessively about the milestone, I can't help but feel that deep, numbing, hollow pain and sorrow in my heart all over again.

I've really struggled this week especially since it's the first time Lachy's been away for work again in months.

Some might not understand and take my mourning the wrong way. Don't get me wrong- I have more than I ever wanted or imagined in life and for that I'm eternally grateful. I will never forget that.

In fact, I sometimes feel guilty for mourning the two babies we've lost because I know I am so lucky to have two beautiful, healthy children in my arms everyday.

They are the best kids. So well behaved, beautiful and clever. I get overwhelmed and teary with emotion and love just being with them sometimes. I can't believe they are mine.

But do you know what? Sometimes they make me miss my angels more.
Because of the "I wonder" and "what if" that runs through my mind.
I wonder if my angels would have eyes like John-Jackson or Maggie's nose?
I wonder if they would be close, share a sweet bond like John-Jackson and Maggie do?
There are infinity and one "I wonders" and "what ifs" that play through my mind.

I've been biting my lip fighting the tears and just pouring all my energy into being extra busy and fun during the days this week with John-Jackson and Maggie instead of allowing tears.

Though tonight with the kids asleep I curl up in bed, hug my pillow and let them flow. I think all the thoughts I've been pushing aside and feel all the feelings I've been ignoring.

Why? Because I learnt somewhere along the journey so far that you can be strong but part of that strength is embracing and working through the sadness.
That's the only way to wake up again everyday. I look at the husband, son and daughter that I'm blessed with and I get up and make the most of this life we are lucky to have together.

Jessicca xx

[Image via pinterest]