In the months since I had my little lady I haven't quite been feeling like myself.
I became aware of this "feeling" but I didn't know what it was or why it was. I just knew, that it was. If that makes sense.


Being my second baby I knew to expect sleepless nights, extreme hunger from breast feeding and a rollercoaster of hormones. I even knew to expect a week or so of "baby blues".

I did not expect postpartum anxiety.

I had an easy, quick labor and in 6 minutes of pushing my darling girl had entered the world. She latched and fed beautifully within minutes of birth, slept like an angel and we were home the following day. I was on cloud 9, cloud 10 even!

My little family was complete.
A boy and a girl.
A loving husband.
A happy life.
I floated through the first weeks high on love and life. I was constantly elated.
My body bounced back from pregnancy even better than the first time and I felt energized. I am so lucky! Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Life with two under two was busy but honestly I laughed at all the people who tried to scare us off it. Both kids slept through the night, adored each other and we were happy like the Brady bunch-obviously just minus a handful of kids, 4 extra dogs and sadly no housekeeper. But I was so on top of things even the cleaning wasn't a downer.

I'm not sure exactly when, where or what happened but at some point along the lines my high diminished. It wasn't noticeable at first. I suppose I became a little less high on life, a little less patient, a little less calm. Until one day I realised I wasn't very calm at all.

I am prone to anxiety after events that have taken place long before I had children but it was something I had seen to and learnt to live with quite capably.
I have been in therapy and on medication from age 18, up until 2 years ago when we wanted to start having a family and I weaned off them and stopped seeing my psych when we moved around a few times. But I felt it was the right decision, I was ready to do so and I had learnt many ways to manage and live relatively unaffected by my anxiety.

One of the things I pride myself on as a mother is being a positive one. Being calm. Gentle. Patient. Accepting. Easy going. Funny. Interactive. Encouraging. Interested. Approachable. The list goes on...

But somehow I lost sight of my true self these last months and found I was lacking inner peace. That calm and confidence in my abilities as a mother had seemed to fade without me even noticing.

Nothing in our life had changed, the kids still slept through the night, the house was still clean, the grocery shopping done and bills paid. Yet somehow- I had changed.

The aura of happiness and serenity had floated away from me. Instead I found myself snapping at those around me for the smallest insignificant things. Things I usually wouldn't even notice. I found myself struggling to resist the urge to errupt like an angry volcano when things weren't perfect. Nothing felt clean enough or organised enough. Nothing felt calm. Nothing felt safe or familiar, funny, relaxed or free. Nothing felt right.

I was restless. Tense. Exhausted but not able to sleep. Starving but lacking an appetite. My mind felt foggy and like it was whirring. I couldn't think straight or concentrate. I was even more forgetful than usual (which is a lot). All this made me irritable, frustrated and angry.

I had heard of postpartum depression before but I didn't think I had that. I wasn't sad. I wasn't sitting around in my PJs, sobbing and moping around. I love my kids, I was still laughing when funny things happened and still finding joy in things throughout the day, more than coping and I still happy in many ways. I don't have bad thoughts and I don't feel resentment.

In actual fact, I feel TOO lucky, if that is even a thing. I feel like I'm not doing enough as a wife, mother, human and I feel not good enough. Also, I worry because surely something bad is going to happen soon?

I've lost babies, had miscarriages and I nearly lost John-Jackson when he was a baby --it was a miracle we caught the illness in time and he was flown to a big hospital for emergency surgery at 5 weeks old.

So for the last 3 months I have lived in fear just waiting for something to happen to Maggie.

When she slept through the night I'd wake in a panic thinking she was dead.
I thought keeping the house clean would stop her possibly getting sick.
My heart raced when others held her in case they dropped her or infected her.
I would pull over and quadruple check that she was in her carseat and that I had clipped her in.
I worried that she spent too much time happily playing on her play mat and she would get a "flat head" and then everyone would think I didn't hold her enough.
I checked her breathing, constantly. Sometimes I would poke her in her sleep to make sure she responded.
THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND ON.

Then in my frantic over parenting of Maggie, I somehow missed that John-Jackson had a double middle infection and it wasn't until one side ruptured one night that I even noticed.
Which brought in: THE GUILT.
(Let's not even mention that his ear got infected and ruptured like three times that one month, I also got a postpartum uterine infection and Maggie then got diarrhea for 2 weeks from the antibiotics- all while the husband was away for work)

My stress reached an all time high and the postpartum hormones swirling around only added to my anxiety.
I couldn't turn off my brain and it was driving me to tears.
Sure, every mother worries and goes through some winter illness and the occasional rough patch but this was on a whole new level.

I knew I was being irrational but I couldn't help it. I also knew something needed to happen, I needed to change something but I was scared.

I had taken all my anger out on my husband as to not do it to the kids so I felt like it was an excuse trying to tell him it was hormones and anxiety and I needed help.
I didn't have anyone else to tell and I didn't want to see a doctor. What would I say? I didn't want to tell anybody. What would they think?

I tried to bargain with myself. I told myself I would take vitamins, drink more water, exercise and just make an effort to be super happy all the time.
But it doesn't work that way.

Fear of judgement as a mother is so real and so terrifying. I didn't want anyone to think less of me. But I finally realised it wasn't fair on my family and it wasn't fair on myself. I missed the normal me. The happy-go-lucky, relaxed, happy mama.

So I sought help. I spoke up and reached out. Do you know what?
I'm so glad I did.

No one has stamped "bad mother" across my forehead, dragged me to a mental hospital and drugged me up or taken my kids away.

Instead they have listened to my worries. Reassured me of my sanity. Explained why I am not feeling like myself and given me kind, helpful advice. Most importantly they've all told me that it's going to be alright.

Chemical and hormonal balance is not something I could solve with wishful thinking or bargaining. My anxiety is always going to be there. It's a disorder. And that's okay. That's nothing to be ashamed of. I didn't choose it, I didn't do anything wrong and I didn't cause it. I am no less a good mother or wife.
I am human.

I've explored, discussed and chosen the help options that I feel the most comfortable with at this time and surrounded myself with support and love.

I wish there was less stigma around postpartum issues and I hope that anyone who experiences something like this is accepted and met in such a kind and supportive way as I have.

I am not going to be back to normal overnight and when I say "normal" I mean to a managable state of anxiety that I can live with daily. But I will get there one day and I already feel much better knowing I'm not alone and I have a plan in place. As my husband's tattoo says: Such is life.

For now, my kids are oblivious, happy and healthy. My husband will forgive me (eventually and probably once I bribe him enough, wink! Wink) and me?
Well I'm getting there. One day. One week. One deep breath at a time...and that's okay.

Below are some links that will take you to various websites and articles that have helped me in the last month or so. Sometimes you don't need the medical mumbo jumbo but just someone talking about it and feeling like you're not the only one.
Remember- not every symptom applies to everyone and not everyone experiences the symptoms the same way and if you are ever worried you don't feel "right" there's no shame in talking about it to someone you trust.

http://www.postpartumprogress.com/getting-postpartum-anxiety-to-back-off


http://www.parents.com/parenting/moms/healthy-mom/the-other-postpartum-problem-anxiety/


http://postpartumprogress.org/2011/02/the-symptoms-of-postpartum-depression-anxiety/