This time last year we lost a 6 week battle and gained our second angel baby.

I'm usually at peace with it, accepting that everything always happens for a reason- even if we don't always know what that reason is. Knowing my angels are together waiting for me someplace lovely helps my heart too.

But right now as I relive the memory and think obsessively about the milestone, I can't help but feel that deep, numbing, hollow pain and sorrow in my heart all over again.

I've really struggled this week especially since it's the first time Lachy's been away for work again in months.

Some might not understand and take my mourning the wrong way. Don't get me wrong- I have more than I ever wanted or imagined in life and for that I'm eternally grateful. I will never forget that.

In fact, I sometimes feel guilty for mourning the two babies we've lost because I know I am so lucky to have two beautiful, healthy children in my arms everyday.

They are the best kids. So well behaved, beautiful and clever. I get overwhelmed and teary with emotion and love just being with them sometimes. I can't believe they are mine.

But do you know what? Sometimes they make me miss my angels more.
Because of the "I wonder" and "what if" that runs through my mind.
I wonder if my angels would have eyes like John-Jackson or Maggie's nose?
I wonder if they would be close, share a sweet bond like John-Jackson and Maggie do?
There are infinity and one "I wonders" and "what ifs" that play through my mind.

I've been biting my lip fighting the tears and just pouring all my energy into being extra busy and fun during the days this week with John-Jackson and Maggie instead of allowing tears.

Though tonight with the kids asleep I curl up in bed, hug my pillow and let them flow. I think all the thoughts I've been pushing aside and feel all the feelings I've been ignoring.

Why? Because I learnt somewhere along the journey so far that you can be strong but part of that strength is embracing and working through the sadness.
That's the only way to wake up again everyday. I look at the husband, son and daughter that I'm blessed with and I get up and make the most of this life we are lucky to have together.

Jessicca xx

[Image via pinterest]

I like to think I'm generally a pretty relaxed, go with the flow type parent. Which seems to work for us because both kids sleep through the night, rarely have tantrums and are just overall well behaved, happy kids.

But lately I've been struggling to keep my cool when it comes to mealtimes.

What's my almost 2 year old eaten in the last few months?

Bananas. Vegemite on toast. Dried fruit + peanut mix (I might as well get a pet monkey!).

Oh, I of course can't forget to mention the odd bowl of vanilla ice cream on nights when I give up and figure it's better than him going to bed starving or me loosing the plot.

Come dinnertime I am faced with flat out refusal to eat anything other than the earlier mentioned foods. Hands over the mouth, twisting away and of course "no, no, NO!".

The amount of food wasted could probably feed a small country and if it keeps being thrown to our pet dogs I'm sure they will soon become overweight.

I've made every attempt to try and get him to eat lunch or dinner.
I've tried to get him involved in the cooking side of things to spark some food interest, I've banished snacks unless it's fruit, meat or vegetables (in which case he then usually doesn't snack either), I've cooked every toddler meal idea on pinterest and read every article about tricks to feed picky eaters.

I've also had weak parenting moments where I resorted to bribery and tried playing "good cop/bad cop".
Still it seems like nothing works and I'm hanging in by a thread.

I don't want to dread going to dinner with family and having to lie through my teeth about what a big, late lunch we all had when my son doesn't eat anything but bread for dinner. I don't want to worry about him being starving all night once he's gone to bed after not eating a bite.

Sometimes I leave a drink of water and a fruit bar on the toy chest at the end of his bed in case we wakes up starving in the middle of the night.

I can't bare to feel like I'm failing him every, single, day when I can't get him to eat anything but bananas.

Some say it's just a phase and he'll grow out of it...I really hope that's true because if not I'm completely lost as to what to do. Invest in a banana farm perhaps? Buy shares in peanuts? Learn to bake my own bread?

Someone tell me I'm not alone in this... I'm desperately seeking any parent or caregivers out there who have experienced the battle of feeding a picky eater and if you somehow got them to start eating other foods then I beg of you to enlighten me, share your glorious secrets and tips with the world!

Until then, if anyone needs me, I'll be rocking back and forth in the pantry praying we haven't run out of bananas.

I love sitting at my desk seeing some of my
favourite tags + business cards from people I've had the pleasure to collaborate with and buy from.

Instagram is so much more than just posting photos or networking for me. It's a place where I have made genuine friendships and bonds with like minded mamas, bloggers, online shop owners and just lovely people in general.

This online community is so inspiring to me. Everywhere I look there are people supporting and uplifting each other. There are people following their dreams, achieving their goals and helping each other through life. I know that in some of my hardest days there are people out there who are going through the same thing or who might at the least send me some encouraging emojis. 😂😉

I have been lucky enough to meet some amazing people who have helped me find the courage to pursue my own dreams, to take a leap of faith and share my own passion (@paperladyco).

The world is changing. Business, people and lives are changing. A whole new era of online, hustlers and creators is emerging and I know personally I'm so very excited to be witness to it, to support it and hopefully be a small part of it.

Supporting local/small business isn't a phase, it's the future. More and more people are investing their time into fulfilling a need/designing a product and more people are supporting them.

I know of many people who have pursued their hobbies, passions and dreams by starting small online which has lead them to such a level of success that they now have left their "real jobs" and work full time from home or studios creating and living their dreams.

For me and many others, buying from a local or small business is because of a combination of reasons including supporting the person behind the brand whether it be a mother trying to earn money so she can work from home with her kids or a young person following their dream rather than getting some checkout chick job at the supermarket.

Plus buying small usually means you get a much an original and higher quality product and much more personal, customer service experience.

I would rather save my pennies and buy from a small business wherever I can and know that my purchase is much more valued.

Hey- Maybe I'm helping a mama be able to afford to buy brand new shoes for their child for school rather than second hand ones. Maybe part of the money from my purchase is going to the sellers chosen charity to help them support a cause close to their heart.

All I know is that there is good in this. People are coming together. People are getting creative. People are succeeding.

Isn't that something you'd like to be a part of? Next time you shop, shop small.